Courtesy

From Coach Dana

I hope you have been enjoying these reflections from Theresa. There are more to come. If you have enjoyed them be sure to put a comment in the comment box and let us know what topics you want more reflections on.

Wishing you all the best,

Coach Dana

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By Theresa Koltes

I remember the days of ladies and gentlemen; of men pulling out chairs for the ladies to seat them at the table, and of them opening car doors for us, or simply saying good morning. I remember the days of courting, flower bouquets, and sincere compliments.

We used to raise our children on fundamentals of chivalry and etiquette and nice things like that.

Actually, I don't remember those days. It wasn't at all that recent and I am not that old. But I do know now that we fight over parking spaces and divorce rights, push to be first in line at the ice cream stand, and pretend we are asleep in our seats when an elderly passenger steps on the bus and has nowhere to sit.

A few weeks ago I was travelling for a business project. We met with the regional manager of the company we were collaborating with and discussed our plans. I don't recall much of the conversation but what I do recall was the way he made us feel. When we shook hands he seemed to be scanning the horizon for wandering birds. When we spoke his eyes were glued to his iPad as if watching “The Greatest Show on Earth”.  We were not impressed. I do not doubt that he has credits to his name and many other qualities that make him a successful business man. But he certainly wasn’t successful with us.

Possibly many of you reading this are thinking, So what? It happens to me all the time.  But just because rudeness is common, is that an excuse for acceptance, or does it shed light on a realization that we have lost courtesy in our culture? The saying is as true as ever that "people may forget what you say, but they will never forget the way you made them feel."

When I hear of broken relationships or stale marriages, I wonder what was the turning point from harmony to animosity. I usually gather the reasons are frightfully similar to one another: We don’t treat each other right.

I once asked a friend of mine what was a time in her life that someone had made her feel special. I was surprised by her reply when she said: “I was in a crowded room during a debate. People were shouting each other down and the cacophony was growing louder by the minute. It didn’t seem anyone was interested in hearing another’s opinion.

“But someone turned to me and kindly asked, ‘So what do you think?’ I can’t recall the debate in detail now, but I can recall how special that stranger had made me feel in that moment.”

Yes, it may seem strangely simple, but the simplest things can sometimes have the biggest effect. If you would like to think and emote and appreciate feeling special, then be special to others. Cause people to feel the way you would like to feel. We tend to respond in the way with which we are treated. So have sympathy for the elderly on the bus. Do the extra to open the door for someone at the supermarket. Then you can experience that warm-and-fuzzy feeling that comes from knowing you made someone feel special.

Bucking the Current

By Theresa Koltes

I placed the mug of coffee by our visitor’s chair. At sixty-four he was one of the most successful architects in the country; many people know his name. He spent money like throwing confetti. He’d worked hard, and partied hard.

But there was a secret only we knew and that was that he was seeing one doctor after another. He’d had been in intensive care for a heart attack eventually leading to a heart transplant. But he still often over-drank and immersed himself in a busy work and recreational lifestyle to suppress the loneliness inside.

“I had it all planned out for me,” he'd told us many times. “The business was handed down to me from my father. I had little choice for my life. But people looked at me and I could tell they thought ‘this guy is really living!’ But they had no idea how lonely I felt. And now it seems I will never get to live my personal dreams.”

Later that day as I walked downtown, I thought about my friend’s words. I looked at the sea of faces rushing past me and wondered how many of these people were in the same boat; following other people’s choices, going through the motions.

Before we know it, we wake up twenty years later and think, “wait a minute-this is not the way I want to live!”

I bumped into my neighbor on the way back. She's a mother of three children and her husband works all day. They have a big house and she says she is happy.

But is she happy?

“We should play badminton sometime,” I suggested.

“But I have so much to do!” She replied. “Every day I wake up, cook, get the kids off to school, clean, watch TV, collect the kids again, cook, watch TV again, and go back to bed. I don't have time for anything else.”

I was left speechless. My sense of adventure pinched me so hard it hurt. Why do we settle for a life that is so predictable and boring? We resign ourselves to paddling along with the conventional current because it’s comfortable. It’s safe. Everyone else is doing it.

But life was meant to be a legend, not a chore. Life is fleeting and fragile. We never know how much time we have here. Why not take a deep breath, step outside of our comfort zones, and into the uncertainty of opportunity?

·         Like taking that vacation to Brazil.

·         Like finally signing up for white water rafting lessons.

·         Like spending more time with loved ones.

·         Like falling in love.

·         Like learning to choose how we want to live.

Life is about bucking the current.

A Real Kind of Love

By Theresa Koltes

In 2005, Steve Jobs, co-founder of Apple, gave a commencement speech to graduates of Stanford University. He related that when he was a teen, he dropped out of an expensive college halfway through his course because he felt that it wasn’t what he wanted. People called it an irresponsible mistake. But Steve saw, that as his life unfolded, it was the best decision he could have made. It started him on a series of triumphs and defeats, rises and falls. But in the end everything came together.  He said:

“…Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don’t lose faith. I’m convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You’ve got to find what you love in every aspect. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle for less. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it.” 

As I watched that speech years ago, I thought that’s great advice for anyone to base their life upon.

I think about all the people I know who are just working to survive. We’ve all had opportunities to climb higher, or catch bigger stars. What happened? We were probably too busy to see them. Or we were too afraid of the unknown. But sometimes walking into the unknown is the next step to that “best” we’ve been looking for, the missing piece to the puzzle of our lives.

You may have something in mind right now that you know is worth a try, worth finding out where it could take you. But it’s too different, unpractical, maybe even crazy. Besides, what would everyone think?

As Steve Jobs said, “With all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it.”

Maybe you’re right. Maybe it is crazy. But if you know, deep down, it is meant for you, then what does it matter what anyone else thinks?

Often it isn’t something big and great; it could be simply finding what you truly love.